Strut Your Stuff

We are all prone to do it, especially the blokes, but whilst working out at the gym I’ve noticed that there are three kinds of male show off that inhabit the place. Whilst the ladies tend to show off their toned and tanned bodies with the latest swimsuit, the blokes (well, in my eyes at least) just tend to make a total fool out of themselves. It’s either that, or I’m becoming a right grumpy old man.

Ok, Ok, I’ll admit that I tend to hold my stomach in a wee bit when I head for the pool (I’m still working on flattening it) and I’ll get into the swimming pool "like a man" whilst inside I’m screaming "f**king hell it’s cold!!", but some of these guys take the biscuit (along with the rest of the packet).

1. The Showoff

Every gym has one. Yup, it’s that bloke who loves himself and his toned and tanned body so much that he feels he needs to strut about like a peacock trying to attract the ladies. In my case, the gym has a member who is so rigid and toned that I’m sure he’s had some help from an under the counter muscle building product.

As he struts about (doing a good impression of a ‘V’ with legs) he actually has to bend over like a giraffe in order to get at the water fountain. If that wasn’t bad enough, he feels it totally necessary to wear leopard skin style trunks with a picture of tiger on the front. Oh, please!!

2. The Olympic Swimmer

Here he comes, with his fancy swimming shorts, goggles and water bottle. He spends half an hour warming up at the side of the pool before removing his T-shirt, attaching his heart monitor, fiddling with the controls and then gingerly getting into the pool.

What follows can only be described as someone doing a good impression of drowning as they attempt to do the butterfly stroke up the pool before floundering their way back down the pool totally exhausted. In the meantime, you’ve just done the same number of lengths in half the number of strokes.

3. The Sauna Dude

You’ve done your workout and all you want to do is relax in the sauna until your aching muscles stop protesting. Unfortunately, a tattooed teenager shatters your peaceful snooze by barging into the sauna, pouring gallons of water onto the coals and adding so much essence, such as tea oil or eucalyptus, that it makes your eyes sting and removes a layer of skin from your windpipe.

And whilst you gasp for breath and bare this new onslaught, the gate crasher only lasts a mere two minutes before getting too hot and exits the sauna.