Six Ways To Woo

Fellow singletons, the news is in. Thanks to our ever helpful scientific friends with far too much money to waste (usually ours), there are now six definitive ways to woo your ideal lover.

Anyhow, our wonderful scientists have suggested that in order for the first date to be a success you should forget that romantic meal with all those candles you had planned and head for the funfair instead. Yeap, that death trap of a roller-coaster with those inviting flashing lights could be all that stands between you and the love of your life. Mind you, the same scientists did admit that they could have been confused by the buzz of the adrenaline or the overpowering smell from the vomit bucket.

They even went as far as suggesting a good rock tune ahead of anything that those soulful and baby making Marvin Gaye or Barry White types could ever produce. I wonder if they’d ever considered trying Iron Maiden’s tuneful ditty of Bring Your Daughter to the Slaughter as a chat up tune. Hmmm, you really have to wonder whether some of these scientist types have ever been on a date.

So, those six ways to woo are:

1. Choose a dramatic setting for your first date
2. Mirror gestures
3. Share a joke or engineer a comic situation
4. Opt for rock rather than soul music
5. Take exercise together (not that, you pervo...)
6. Gaze into the other person’s eyes

So there you go, if you don't end up being arrested for your bizarre behaviour during your date then you can be pretty much assured you've found the one.

John Prescott. My New Hero!

For those of you not in the know, John Prescott is the wonderful deputy prime minister of the United Kingdom. You know, the fat one that punches members of the public, bangs on about the environment but owns two gas guzzling Jaguars and makes rude gestures to the press.

And no, my admiration is not down to his political prowess either – his bunch of trough digging Charlies would have trouble running a bath, let alone a country (Ooops, a bit of politics slipping in there...). Nope, my new and suprising amiration stems from the simple fact that this ignorant oaf of a married man has only gone and had an affair with his half-decent looking aide Tracey Temple.

So whilst I certainly can’t condone his nocturnal shenanigans, plus it may have been simply down to his powers of office, but at least it gives us average looking good guys a bit of a chance in the dating stakes. Hurrah for Two Jags!

Half Century

Well today it’s my fiftieth! No, it’s not my age, but my number of posts in this blog. I never thought I’d make it this far, and in the beginning at least, I’d also hoped that I would be making some sort of inroad into that mystery known as the fairer sex.

With papers on the origins of the universe written in Swahili far easier to understand than the chaotic mind of a woman, every now and again the mist lifts with a profound quote that stops my perpetually shaking glass from emptying any more of its contents all over the floor. Well, for the time being.

You see, over the past few months I had started to believe that I’d taken a very wrong path in my life and it was something I was going to have to live with and miss out on for the rest of my life. For I am not like most guys who see women as something to be "conquered" and added as a notch on their bedpost. Nope, call me sensible or totally stupid, but I’ve never been tempted by a one-night stand or short term "fling" and I’ve always wanted something deeper. Trouble is, it never quite panned out the way I’d hoped and I guess us "youngsters" at the time weren’t all interested in such things.

It’s not as if I’m some sort of religious type or have particular beliefs, and some people may well scoff at the idea, but to me it just didn’t feel right. So when Alwaysd left one of her favourite quotes "I'd rather be alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong." on one of my postings, it made me stop and think that perhaps I’d been right all along...

The Sun is Doing What to Jupiter?

Although this Internet dating lark has had much of its stigma removed, the last thing I’d ever want to do would be to own up to my friends about both this blog and my on-line dating attempts on Match.com. As a result, the main reason why I decided to create this blog was to allow to me anonymously rant and rave about my lack of dating successes and hopefully get some useful tips along the way.

So with few people to turn to, I’m starting to find myself looking at the daily horoscopes for dating advice. So consider my stars from the paper for last Thursday:

Taurus Apr 21-May 21

Imagine please, that something wonderful is happening. You are getting what you want… and need. Your wishes are being granted and your hopes are being fulfilled. A few minor irritating factors are present, as always, but these are nothing to other great developments. Now, stop imagining and consider reality. If you think there’s a difference, it is only because you are paying too much attention to those irrelevant irritants.

Wow, this all sounds wonderfully promising. My one and only soul mate is surely just around the corner and, yes indeed, that irritating and embarrassing rash has started to subside. Are my wishes being granted and is my luck finally about to change?

However, I just wonder whether this is the start of a worrying trend in my life and I’ll ultimately end up wearing crystals, checking my horoscope before deciding to leave the house and dancing around maypoles naked. And come to think of it, that may indeed account for that rash…

Thirty Seconds to Impress

It’s not quite what your dirty mind might be thinking, but yet another study to keep you entertained during the excitement that is know as the Easter bank holiday. Quite why these researchers can’t do something useful like solve the global warming problem, invent a new form of clean energy or even investigate why no matter which supermarket checkout queue I join, all the other lanes move quicker than mine. But enough of that, to this latest exciting study…

Researchers at the University of Hertfordshire have discovered that women actually make up their mind about a potential boyfriend in less than thirty seconds. In a number of Speed Dating sessions involving 100 single men and women from all walks of life, it emerged that almost 50% women made their minds about a man in less than 30 seconds compared to a mere 22% of men. The best opening line was also revealed as “What’s your favourite pizza topping?”

So, whilst we men may think we’ve got a few minutes to try and wow her with our funny stories about mishaps with vacuum cleaner attachments, she’s most likely already made her mind up in the few moments you’ve spoken to her. So you may as well save all your funny stories for another time then – just remember that the pizza topping question is now well off limits.

People Watching

Her hands were constantly playing with her hair whilst her hand and arm positions pretty much matched my own the entire evening.

Yeap, it looks like Miss Shy might actually find me interesting. Make no mistake, she is a nice, interesting and jolly person. But she could also gabber for England, and come the end of the evening my ears were still numb from the aural onslaught. Not that I minded as I didn’t have to think of a great deal to say!

However, given that this is my first meeting via Match.com am I trying to settle for second best? I’m trying ever so hard not to judge a book by its cover, but I was a little disappointed by her “curvy” appearance and I’m not so sure whether I could put up with her effervescent personality. Half of me is telling to be patient and give it a chance whilst the other is flashing red lamps, sounding a klaxon and telling me to not take it any further than the good old back out of friendship (which I’d happily manage).

Never the less, I'm going to see if she'd like to go out again and take it from there. However, the last thing I'd ever want to do is hurt someones feelings, and if I finally decide that this is not for me then I have absolutely no idea on how to let her down gently. I really do hate being stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Yet More Useless Scientific Studies Revealed

Where would this blog be without some new revealing results from a scientific study that even a person with half an ounce of intelligence could have told you for free?

Yeap, they’re at it again, and this time a study from psychologists at St. Andrews University have shown that women put a man’s appearance above his wealth. Well, knock me down with a feather and tell me something I didn’t know!

Apparently, previous studies have shown that women go for older partners with resources while men are much more interested in attractiveness. But as women have gained greater financial independence they are now far more interested in the physical appearance. And the more wealthy a woman is, the more emphasis she places on a man’s looks.

So whilst we once cursed those hideously ugly men driving flash cars with an equally flash and attractive woman sat in the passenger seat, all of us resource challenged blokes can now rejoice in our good fortune. Yeap, we no longer have to worry about the state our bank balance or have our middle of the range car judged by a suitable lady. However, that doesn’t really help matters when you’re only average looking or ugly as sin. Now, where did I leave my keys to the Bentley?

Women Are From Venus, Men Are From Manchester

For those fortunate souls who have someone to curl up with at the night, you don’t have the fun of trying to navigate through the minefield that is known as Match.com. One particular nasty aspect of their service, of which they’re no doubt very proud, is their Mutual Match feature which identifies people who are searching for you (well OK, not specifically you, but based on your profile). But as usual there’s always a catch. Consider the following Match profile*

“Fun loving mansion owning female seeks male of average appearance, preferably a hopeless romantic, who’s prepared to put up with my millionaire lifestyle, my twin sisters who are models and my habit of doing the house work in the nude”

This profile is then accompanied by a rather nice photograph and a list of hobbies and interests that match you perfectly. You kiss the screen and thank Match for the marvels of its service and as you prepare to start writing that killer email to bag the lady, you notice something else:

“Seeking men 28-35 within 50 miles of Venus”

You then curse Match for their stupid Mutual Match that doesn’t take into account your distance preferences. So, once more unto the breach, dear Match.com ladies, once more...

* which I made up

Abandon Ship!

As I’d expected all along, my Scottish friend has decided that it’s all too far away and bowed out. She’s even found a fella up in Scotland outside of the Match.com circle too. Never the less, and like that famous Murphys drink, I’m not bitter. In fact, I’m very happy for her because she’d like to continue to be friends and stay in touch. I know it’s all a little cliched, but I just hope we do manage to keep in touch.

However, I do have a fellow survivor in the lifeboat with me. I decided to take the fairer sex advice from AlwaysD and Spinsterella (after all, the ladies do know best) and contact the local Miss Shy without the profile picture (yup, It’ll be your fault then!).

We’ve sent a few messages to and fro, she definitely the fun type and she’s finally sent me a picture – thus proving she’s not actually a bloke from Bolton called Herbert. She’s even sent me the occasional text and e-mail during the day. Blimey, that may even mean she’s thinking about me without having to be prompted by a message. Is that land I see ahead...?