Gnash and Grab

My life is complicated. I don’t know why it should be, but it always is. Nothing in it can be simple, easy or trouble free. My life always has to take the more expensive, winding, long and scenic route. If it decides to fly, it always turns left. In other words, it always has to cost me a pile of my hard earned money.

The latest saga is my recent trip to the dentist and my plan to finally have my chipped and slightly crooked front tooth sorted. Anyhow, before we get to the bad news, let’s get some good news out of the way as, as usual, the check up was passed with flying colours – with the dentist commenting to both me and the hygienist on how good and strong my gnashes are “for my age”. Cheeky bugger.

But, from this point on, this is where things start to get expensive.

After chatting to the dentist about my tooth it turns out that it’s a simple procedure – with a bit of root canal work to remove the nerve followed by a bit of bashing and chiselling ready for a nice new crown. Unfortunately, after showing me numerous pictures of other peoples teeth it was decided that doing just the one tooth wouldn’t look right at all – the size would look odd.

At first, I was a bit sceptical – suspecting some sort of ruse to relieve me of even more of my money – but the dentist was absolutely right and it would look obvious and ridiculous. It’s not the result I’m looking for – and I long for the ability to smile at woman without worrying about what they’d think about my chipped tooth. And what’s more, I trust his judgement.

So, one crown has now expanded into four and into a bill of £1500. Still, once done they’ll be some cracking looking teeth, plus he was generous enough to throw in the root canal work for free. Lucky me...

Evolution

It only seems like yesterday that we were all carrying around those heavy, and battery draining, personal cassette Walkman. We soon moved on to the marvel that was known as the Discman – a tricky machine that involved having to tip-toe around the place in case the CD jumped. Then came the MiniDisc (Erm, we can pretty much skip over that one) and finally the wonder of the IPod (and it’s many fruity derivatives and competitors).

But technological advances never sleep and that humble IPod is now capable of playing movies on a tiny screen (always a useful thing to have in order to achieve that all involving movie experience) as well as carrying around your entire collection of photographs to show any willing viewer.

As you can see, I’m fairly on the ball when it comes to all things techie and fiddly so I can only assume that technological advances have been made in many other areas in the past few years too. After all, just about everything these days is stored and played back digitally or attached to the Internet for some reason best known to the inventor.

Baring that in mind, I feel I should keep my knowledge of ladies and their clothing in tip-top condition – even more so since it’s hardly a “hands on” experience these days.

Tricky at the best of times, even to the most ambidextrous of men, the item of clothing known as the “bra” has flummoxed man throughout the modern age. So, when those clever people over at VideoJug released a video on how to remove said article, it seemed like a training video just too good to ignore.

Watch and enjoy (with tongue firmly placed in cheek...)


VideoJug: How To Undo Her Bra With One Hand

Men Seeking Women : The Meanings

As promised, after my previous Women seeking Men : The Meanings blog entry, here is the flip side of the coin when it comes to decyphering a man's on-line profile. Naturally, I'm absolutely nothing like anything of the items on this list...

Abbreviation	Meaning
40-ish	52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Affectionate	Needy and looking for mother-figure
Artist	Delicate ego badly in need of massage
Athletic	Sits on the couch and watches Sky Sports
Average looking	Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back
Distinguished-looking	Fat, grey, and bald
Educated	Will always treat you like an idiot
Employed	On management track at Tesco
Financially Secure	I will spend some money on you, in return for which I will expect you to obey my every whim for the duration of your mortal life.
Free Spirit	Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first	As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun	Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking	Arrogant bastard
Honest	Pathological Liar
Huggable	Overweight, more body hair than a Grizzly Bear.
Light drinker	Headed for AA
Like to cuddle	Insecure, overly dependent
Like romantic walks on the beach	I read Cosmo and think this is what you want to hear
Mature	Until you get to know him
Open-minded	Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
Physically fit	I spend a lot of time in front of mirrors admiring myself
Poet	Once wrote on a bathroom stall while constipated
Professional	Owns a white button down
Reliable	Shows up on time--give or take 3 hours
Recently divorced	Looks for second income to pay ex-wife's pension.
Romantic	Unable to make a decision; his last five girlfriends dumped him.
Self-employed	Same as for women and eat nachos all weekend
Sensitive	Needy
Smart	Thinks Cheers is "the wittiest show ever on TV"
Spiritual	Once went to church with his grandmother on easter
Stable	Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful	Says "Please" when demanding a beer
Very masculine	Once ordered a meal without saying please
Virile	Can read 3 Penthouse Forums without passing out
Young at heart	Pedophile

There’s Something Lurking Beneath the Flab

Now I don’t claim to be the fittest bloke around, but I’m working on it.

I do try to exercise 3 or 4 times a week, keep an eye on my weight plus watch what I eat (although I appear to be consuming far more chocolate that usual at the moment ). So with the news full of "size zero" models, worryingly overweight Britons and young people fretting about their bodies, it seemed highly appropriate to comment on an amazing discovery I made whilst showering after my latest work out at the gym (and no, it’s not rude).

You see, poking through my slowly receding expanse of flab that is known as my stomach, I caught sight of what could only be described as a six-pack. Admittedly it was only a mere fleeting glance, but there was definitely something there – and it wasn’t there a few weeks ago either . So it definitely looks like my new exercise regime may actually be starting to pay dividends and my washboard stomach is only a few months away!!

There’ll be so many ladies desperate to get to me that I’ll have to invest in a long stick to help beat them off with. Oh well, a man can have dreams – like scoring the winning goal in the FA cup final - which, by all accounts, judging by my Match.com successes so far, would seem rather more of an achievable possibility.

Women seeking Men : The Meanings

Now that Valentines Day is out of the way, normal service can be resumed. And by that, I mean the ladies can continue to ignore me even more than usual.

However, it doesn't help when you don't actually do anything about it. So after a Christmas break, I've crossed Match.com's palm with yet more silver and my profile is active once more. As with my last adventure, I've spruced up the old profile and pictures and waited, and waited and waited.

But my new subscription is a bit more different than the last - and I'm most likely guaranteed to be on a bit of a cash winner for a change. This time, Match.com are so certain that I'll find my match that, if I fail to do so, I'll get another six months free to continue my journey into singledom. To qualify, all I have to do is send six messages a month and keep my profile visible at all times. Unfortunately, I'd rather fail at this quest, but I rather suspect I'll be getting something free out of this lot in six months.

I've already spent an absolute age looking through the various profiles and picking out my favourites ready for my future charm offensive. I even managed to do my "quota" of messages for the month in a mere couple of days.

Unfortunately, I've already had the wind taken out of my sails as my monthly quota has already been ignored - although someone did respond and say that I had an interesting profile but they weren't interested as they'd just met somebody (I just think she was doing a nice put down). And even the person who "winked" at me the other day has decided to ignore my response.

So, given that I obviously need even more help and pointers, below is a handy look-up table to help me cut through the Internet dating fluff. Don’t worry ladies, I don’t really mean it – plus you’ll get your own back tomorrow when I publish the "ladies" version on us blokes...

Abbreviation	Meaning
40-ish	48
Adventurous	Has had more partners than you ever will
Affectionate	Possessive
Artist	Unreliable
Athletic	Flat chested
Average looking	Ugly
Beautiful	Pathological liar
Commitment-minded	Pick out curtains, now!
Communication important	Just try to get a word in edge-wise
Consistent	Fifteenth ad placed this year.
Contagious Smile	Bring your penicillin
Educated	College dropout
Emotionally secure	Medicated
Employed	Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home
Enjoys art and opera	Snob
Enjoys Nature	Bring your own granola
Exotic Beauty	Would frighten a Martian
Feminist	Fat, ball buster
Financially Secure	One paycheck from the street
Free spirit	Substance user
Friendship first	Trying to live down reputation
Fun	Annoying
Gentle	Comatose
Good Listener	Borderline Autistic
Homely	Lived on a farm in the middle of nowhere until I was 30
Humorous	Caustic
Intuitive	Your opinion doesn't count
In Transition	Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills
Light drinker	Lush
Looks younger	If viewed from far away in bad light
Loves Travel	If you're paying
Loves Animals	Cat lady
Mature	Will not let you treat her like a farm animal in bed
New-Age	All body hair, all the time
Non-tradional	Ex-husband lives in the basement
Old-fashioned	Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded	Desperate
Outgoing	Loud
Passionate	Loud
Petite	Wouldn't stand out in a pack of Munchkins
Poet	Depressive Schzophrenic
Professional	Bitch
Redhead	Shops on the Clairol aisle
Reliable	Frumpy
Reubenesque	Grossly Fat
Romantic	Looks better by candle light
Self-employed	Jobless
Smart	Insipid
Special	Rode the short schoolbus
Spiritual	Involved with a cult
Stable	Boring
Tall, thin	Anorexic
Tan	Wrinkled
Voluptuous	Very Fat
Weight proportional to height	Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate	One step away from stalking
Widow	Nagged first husband to death
Writer	Pompous
Young at heart	Toothless crone

Lots of Sighing

Sigh. No cards.
Sigh. No presents.
Sigh. No kisses.
Sigh. No smiles.
Sigh. No laughter.

Yeap, it sounds like yet another one of my Valentines Day, the one day of the year more than the others that single folk like me realise what they’re missing out on. This time last year I had high hopes for today, and yet they’ve been dashed once more.

No matter how many people moan about the commercialisation of the day, the rip off prices and vomit inducing cards, at least they have someone to send a card or present a box of chocolates to. Stop complaining and make the most of a wonderful thing!

I usually go out on a Wednesday night but I decided to stay in tonight as the sight and sounds of hundreds of happy couples out for meals would have just been too much.

Normal non-sighing service will be resumed again tomorrow.

Clueless

Now, the more observant of you out there in blog land will be more than aware by now that I’m a bit of a Billy-no-dates these days. In fact, if I were to wear my underpants outside of my trousers you could even call me the "dateless wonder". Mind you, I’d probably get some strange looks and a one way trip to the crazy house too.

So in my capacity as the Dateless Wonder (superpowers yet to be defined – or discovered) I feel I must forewarn those plucky (and lucky) blokes out there that you ignore Valentines Day at your peril.

You see, some blokes are still yet to understand "ladies speak" and what they really mean. One poor soul at work today was telling his friend that his girlfriend wasn’t too bothered about going out for that special Valentines Day meal and that she’d be just as happy with a card.

Hmmm. I guess that’ll be one person with a black eye and his bags packed come Wednesday. If only he’d read my guide to women’s English.

Something to Shout About

It would be rude not to comment, after all, the country is about to be engulfed by a bird flu pandemic, we’re all struggling home through four feet of snow (er, sorry, that should be inches) and there’s an alien horde about to invade and vaporise us all*.

Still, we can all rest easy in our beds tonight because the University of Central Lancashire has come to the rescue with some ground breaking new research. Just what would we do without those egg heads?

Yeap, those clever white coat wearing folks in Lancashire have decided that high-flying men are not as attractive to women looking for love than those with an average job. So, it’s a good old hefty hurrah for Mr. Average then...

However, this new ground breaking discovery also revealed the usual set of obvious results when, after asking 186 female students to pick their favourite photographs from 60 men in their 20s and rate them on a physical attractiveness scale, they discovered that the students preferred the good-looking men!

But before all the Mr. Averages out there in blog land shuffle off to continue with the lonely and silent weeping, there’s yet more revelations to gives us “Averages” an ever so slender piece of hope to cling on to...

Alongside each photograph the researches added additional information on the man's age, what he was looking for in a partner and, more importantly, their profession. These professions included the usual high-status jobs, such as architects and company directors, medium-status positions such as teachers and so-called lower-status roles such as gardeners and postmen.

But when these professions were applied to the complex equation written on the back of a post-it note, the good-looking men with the high-status jobs dropped down the ladder to be overtaken by the medium status jobs.

The rather smug lead researcher Simon Chu revealed that the team has come to the conclusion that the high-earning career men were deemed to be "too good to be true" and that women seemed to feel high-flyers would not be good fathers.

Still, they obviously didn’t ask any of the women I know and see down at the gym on a daily basis. You also only have to look at your “average” premiership footballer player to see yet another stunner draped over their arm in their quest to do a "Beckham". Also, I can speak from experience with my failed blind date adventure with my stunner.

So, is this yet another survey to make women look like innocent little pussy cats whilst they’re really just looking for someone with a fast car and fat wallet? What, me a cynic? Surely not?!

* Umm. Possibly.

Can't Get You Out Of My Head

I’m sure that there will be quite a few happy, albeit delusional, blokes out there at rather sad news that Olivier Martinez and Kylie Minogue have announced that they have split up. And one of those delusional blokes would include the likes of me then.

Whenever these sorts of things happen you always have to cut through the PR fluff to try and work out just what really went on. I know their statement said that the "false accusations" in the media of disloyalty have saddened them, but the decision to separate was mutual and they remained "very close friends".

So why break up then? Surely you can't let the press dictate how you live your life and/or relationships. It’s all very strange, although I wouldn't mind betting that Kylie is a bit of a high maintenance, demanding diva and Olivier got ever so slightly cheesed off with her constant demands.

So Kylie, if you want to prove me wrong, and you’ve still got tears on your pillow and you’d like to confide in me, my shoulder is here to cry on (I have some steps in case you need them) and I’ll have you spinning around again in no time.

Ah well, I should be so lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky...