Women seeking Men : The Meanings

Now that Valentines Day is out of the way, normal service can be resumed. And by that, I mean the ladies can continue to ignore me even more than usual.

However, it doesn't help when you don't actually do anything about it. So after a Christmas break, I've crossed Match.com's palm with yet more silver and my profile is active once more. As with my last adventure, I've spruced up the old profile and pictures and waited, and waited and waited.

But my new subscription is a bit more different than the last - and I'm most likely guaranteed to be on a bit of a cash winner for a change. This time, Match.com are so certain that I'll find my match that, if I fail to do so, I'll get another six months free to continue my journey into singledom. To qualify, all I have to do is send six messages a month and keep my profile visible at all times. Unfortunately, I'd rather fail at this quest, but I rather suspect I'll be getting something free out of this lot in six months.

I've already spent an absolute age looking through the various profiles and picking out my favourites ready for my future charm offensive. I even managed to do my "quota" of messages for the month in a mere couple of days.

Unfortunately, I've already had the wind taken out of my sails as my monthly quota has already been ignored - although someone did respond and say that I had an interesting profile but they weren't interested as they'd just met somebody (I just think she was doing a nice put down). And even the person who "winked" at me the other day has decided to ignore my response.

So, given that I obviously need even more help and pointers, below is a handy look-up table to help me cut through the Internet dating fluff. Don’t worry ladies, I don’t really mean it – plus you’ll get your own back tomorrow when I publish the "ladies" version on us blokes...

Abbreviation	Meaning
40-ish	48
Adventurous	Has had more partners than you ever will
Affectionate	Possessive
Artist	Unreliable
Athletic	Flat chested
Average looking	Ugly
Beautiful	Pathological liar
Commitment-minded	Pick out curtains, now!
Communication important	Just try to get a word in edge-wise
Consistent	Fifteenth ad placed this year.
Contagious Smile	Bring your penicillin
Educated	College dropout
Emotionally secure	Medicated
Employed	Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home
Enjoys art and opera	Snob
Enjoys Nature	Bring your own granola
Exotic Beauty	Would frighten a Martian
Feminist	Fat, ball buster
Financially Secure	One paycheck from the street
Free spirit	Substance user
Friendship first	Trying to live down reputation
Fun	Annoying
Gentle	Comatose
Good Listener	Borderline Autistic
Homely	Lived on a farm in the middle of nowhere until I was 30
Humorous	Caustic
Intuitive	Your opinion doesn't count
In Transition	Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills
Light drinker	Lush
Looks younger	If viewed from far away in bad light
Loves Travel	If you're paying
Loves Animals	Cat lady
Mature	Will not let you treat her like a farm animal in bed
New-Age	All body hair, all the time
Non-tradional	Ex-husband lives in the basement
Old-fashioned	Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded	Desperate
Outgoing	Loud
Passionate	Loud
Petite	Wouldn't stand out in a pack of Munchkins
Poet	Depressive Schzophrenic
Professional	Bitch
Redhead	Shops on the Clairol aisle
Reliable	Frumpy
Reubenesque	Grossly Fat
Romantic	Looks better by candle light
Self-employed	Jobless
Smart	Insipid
Special	Rode the short schoolbus
Spiritual	Involved with a cult
Stable	Boring
Tall, thin	Anorexic
Tan	Wrinkled
Voluptuous	Very Fat
Weight proportional to height	Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate	One step away from stalking
Widow	Nagged first husband to death
Writer	Pompous
Young at heart	Toothless crone