Fruits of Pure Evil

After eating a grapefruit, and pulling numerous faces and enduring endless shivers down my spine whilst consuming said fruit, it has become blatantly clear to me that not all of the fruits in the garden of Eden are as joyous to eat as others.

As a result I’ve compiled my top five most hated fruit:

1. The Durian Fruit Quite how this fruit is a renounced delicacy in Asia is beyond me. With an odour on par with a rotting corpse and flesh a texture somewhere between custard and chewing gum, quite how this fruit can be classed as the "king of fruits" in the likes of Malaysia and Thailand baffles me to this day. The stench is quite overpowering – even before the fruit is opened – and it is quite common for it to be banned in taxis, trains and even hotels. Eat a piece and the back taste remains for hours, plus your breath becomes so rancid that halitosis would be welcomed with opened arms.

2. The Pomegranate Yes, the flesh is extremely sticky and juicy, and some would say healthily refreshing so, but it’s the palaver of a job getting there that makes this fruit so annoying. Accidentally eat some of the extremely bitter husk and you pull a face like a baby filling its nappy, whilst if you can’t be bothered picking out every one of the millions of pips from the sweet red flesh, you end up crapping seeds for a week.

3. The Grapefruit Why-oh-why this evil fruit become a favourite starter course in Britain remains a mystery to this date. Simply stick a glazed cherry and a sprinkling of sugar on top and it becomes an instant dining delight for nearly a decade. Still, this was in the 1970s, whilst today it’s become a "health fruit". And by that, I assume they mean that you get to exercise your face by producing various contortions whilst trying to swallow the bitter fruit. Things are made even worse when you encounter a pip, leaving you struggling to remove it from your mouth which is still contorted from the bitter after taste of the previous piece of fruit.

4. The Mango I love mango, but it’s the mess I hate the most. In order to eat the blighter you first have to remove the skin and then try to extract the stone – which takes up the best part of 90% of the fruit. Naturally, you pay by the weight so you end up throwing away the majority of what you’ve just paid for. What’s left is slurpingly delicious, but by simply diving into the sweet beast you simply end up covered head to toe in sticky mango juice. Oh, and let’s not forget those hundreds of stringy bits stuck between your teeth for days.

5. The Apple These forbidden fruit aren’t anywhere near as bad as the fruits listed above but are more of a problem with taste, or more appropriately - the total lack of it. Over the years, many varieties of apples have been inter-bred - although not for the taste. Those lovely juicy and tasty apples of old have been replaced by varieties that simply last longer and look good on the shelf of the local supermarket conglomerate. All we’re now left with is a tasteless capsule of water surrounded by a pesticide coated skin.