Hidden Talents

I have a habit of sitting and pondering things, things of no real interest, value or relevance to what I’m doing at the time, but ponder I do. One such pondering moment came the other day when I decided to think about what I was actually good at doing. Unfortunately, I came to the conclusion that I’m not very good at anything all - I have no discernible talents!

Whilst it goes without saying that I’m totally crap at chatting up women, I guess I’m merely average at a few things – such as playing football and badminton. Still, whilst participating in these sports, I always do have the determination not to give up on a cause. Drop the shuttle over the net in a cunning “dink” or pass the ball too long and I’ll still try and get to it. Still, it’s hardly a talent, plus it tends to wear me out rather too quick these days!

However, there is one talent that I’d really love to possess – and that’s a musical ability. Whilst music runs in the family, with various nieces and nephews able to play just about every instrument going, when it came to handing out my musical talents it decided to skip a generation. Because of this, I’m about as musical as a tone deaf goose playing a fog horn, in the fog and with a touch of laryngitis. Oh, and I have about as much rhythm and timing as a brick.

It’s a pity really, because if I could ever wish for one talent it would have to be being able to play the piano and have a good old tinkle on the ivories. Not to show off mind, but simply to enjoy the music made with my very own fingers, and if it managed to make other people happy then all the more for it.

I do occasionally check whether my wish has come true – in the faint hope of a Black Books moment where Manny suddenly discovers that he can play the piano – but I simply sound like someone cleaning the keys with a duster.

Female Company

I have a female friend who is always there for me and will sit and listen to my problems and complaints without interrupting with awkward questions or observations about the off-side rule or the latest plot twist on Coronation Street.

Still, just like your average girlfriend, she takes up most of the bed, complains loudly when she’s hungry, always wants to be the centre of attention and wants to be fussed. She’s also a mere 18 years old too. Can’t be bad eh?

Unfortunately, this young lady is not human – she’s my pet cat – who, in cat years, is a bit of an old lady who tends to spend most of her day either eating or sleeping.

Also, given her age, her kidney’s are starting to fail so she’s on a special diet and medication to prevent them from having to work too hard. She’s also used up quite a few of her 9 lives with various run-ins with other cats.

Mind you, even though she’s getting on a bit now, the vets always find it hard to believe that she is 18 going on 19. She has even managed to attract a bit of a crowd in the examination room where the various vets and trainees have come to look at my amazing little friend and try, and fail, to guess her age.

So my dear little furry friend, I dedicate this blog entry to you.

If You Can’t Beat Them, Join Then

Regular readers of this blog (are there any out there!?) will pretty much know by now that I take quite a lot of urine out of myself when it comes to matters of love (or more precisely, the complete lack of it). But they do say that if you can’t laugh at yourself, what’s the point of laughing at all?

So, I thought it was about time I did a bit of laughing of my own.

As a result, after seeing an absolutely hilarious stand-up routine on television some time back that had me gasping for air, I’m off to see Omid Djalili at The Lowry in Manchester on Sunday night.

“Omid who?” I heard you say (well, you might have, otherwise this blog entry ends up coming to a crashing conclusion rather fast). Anyhow, the answer to your "question" is that he’s one of Britain’s funniest stand-up comedians who prides himself on being the only Iranian comedian which, he says, is "technically three more than Germany". Ah, I'm laughing already...

Items For Sale

Any one want buy a motorbike? It’s a nice BMW one, hardly used in fact. Unfortunately, though the…. erm… dog has eaten the registration documents, I’m not quite sure where the keys are and there might be a slight bit of water in the carburettor.

Also for sale, is 20,000 litres of surplus French wine left over from a family Christmas party. Untouched and unopened, it even comes in a handy oak barrel which can be rolled home and then, once empty, used as a flower tub in the garden.

Buy collects the items - from Branscombe, Devon.

About as Green as My Arse

If there’s one thing that will get me even more wound up than our glorious self serving politicians is our totally redundant and out of date royal family. If people think that our politicians are out of touch with reality then they should think again at take a look at Prince Charles – a man who lives in his own pampered world of delusion.

But what makes me all the more annoyed with these dinosaurs is the fact that this is a man who continually spouts on about green issues – and telling us all to become greener - whilst he continues to drive around in a petrol guzzling Aston Martin and taking trips abroad with more staff and hangers on than a branch of Tesco.

His latest laughable green credentials is to fly himself, and other staff including his personal butler and chef, 7000 miles to America in order to pick up a Global Environmental Citizen Prize. Hasn’t anyone told this self publicising half-wit about video conferencing and the amount of fumes and carbon dioxide aeroplanes produce on their transatlantic trips? Naturally, once he gets there he’d only be taking short showers and reusing his bath towel and robe for the entire duration of his stay.

Still, not to worry, he can always arrange a banquette for the starving people of Africa on his return.

Out Of Blue Comes Green

From this point forward I shall talk of my previous blind date no more. But before I do, I’ve finally come up with some positives from my time at the helm of the blind-date Titanic.

It took me some time to thing of the pros, but I managed to dream up the list of pro-active things to do whilst sat somewhere you really needn’t know about and whilst slogging it away at the gym.

Unfortunately, I guess there’ll be yet another empty Valentines day this year, but here’s some goals which can be achieved in the first half of 2007 which will hopefully lead to bigger and better things:

Experience

Like my failed job interviews, the more failed dates I unfortunately go on, the more chances I get at perfecting my skills. I know it’s a bit shallow to go about dates this way, but at least if I can read the signals I can hopefully steer things towards another date.

Exercise

My blind date was into her exercise, so I expect she had some mental images of her own when she was told of my equally frequent trips to the gym. However, I guess my current problem is with my more frequent trips to the take-away and the pub – with the results to go with it. Hardly a six pack, more like a party seven. But, that is no more, with a fresh new exercise regime to hopefully address that problem.

Clothing

I’ve already spent a small fortune on upgrading my wardrobe, but I still need a few extra items. Gone are the cartoon boxer shorts (although my new underwear has yet to receive an audience) and my wardrobe is graced with new shoes (we all know the ladies like nice shoes), new shirts and new trousers. However, I still need a new jacket and I’ve still got my eye out for some nice designer jeans.

Cosmetics

No, I’m not planning on wearing lipstick, but I’ve had a bit of a chipped and angled front tooth for a while and I’ve been putting off getting that sorted for years (mainly due to the cost). Dentists, the drilling and injections don’t bother me (they use to – one of the other reasons why I kept delaying it) but now I’ve got extra money coming in I’ll be heading to my dentist in the next few weeks to get that corrective dentistry ball rolling.

Blind Date #2 : Fin

A wise old owl once said to me “Twit-twoo”.

I never did understand just what the heck that was supposed to mean. It may be something really wise and revealing. Life changing even. Perhaps it was the best joke ever. Or maybe it was just an owl hooting in the night.

So, with a voice at the back of my mind telling me to ring my mystery date from the previous night, I finally give in and decided to call. After all - and I’ve said it before – if you don’t ask questions, you’ll never get any answers. A wise move if there ever was one.

However, all I got was her mobile voicemail service. I'd already banked on this so I left a message simply asking whether she’d like to go out again – even if it was only as friends (you have to start building your road from somewhere).

I got a text message back a few hours later declining the offer.

I guess that was a bit of a cheat in her avoiding talking to me – but at least I asked and got an answer. It may not have been the answer I wanted, but an answer it never the less was. Still, I had to chuckle to myself because she finished the message with a kiss. I guess that was to make the rejection feel all the much better.

Never the less, I already knew what her answer was going to be, and it’s not as if I went away from the date with a racing heart and butterflies in my stomach. I think it was because she was so stunningly attractive (I really don’t jest here – she truly is model material) that I knew nothing was ever destined to happen.

Still, it was quite fun being sat next to her whilst all these other blokes kept stealing glances.

Is It Just Me?

It seems to me that the only "thing" that knows I’m a nice person is the good old Internet. Well, not the Internet as the whole, but those many daft and pointless questionnaires you find whilst trawling through the filth, rubbish and occasional good stuff (for example, like this blog!).

When I find a worthy questionnaire I always answer honestly, after all, what’s the point in lying to yourself? So, the latest results are in:

Your Seduction Style: Ideal Lover

You seduce people by tapping into their dreams and desires. And because of this sensitivity, you can be the ideal lover for anyone you seek. You are a shapeshifter - bringing romance, adventure, spirituality to relationships. It all depends on who your with, and what their vision of a perfect relationship is.

What Is Your Seduction Style?

If only I could only find someone who'd appreciate it...

Mad Weather

I’ve seen some bonkers weather in my time, with being caught in a monsoon rain storm in Malaysia being one of the few times when I’ve actually been scared stiff. And boy-o-boy, what an impressive show Mother Nature put on for me that day.

One minute I was driving down a motorway in brilliant sunshine and then the next the sky is totally and completely pitch black. Then the storm starts with lightning that is a strange pink colour, thunder so loud that it makes the car vibrate and rain that falls so hard – hitting the roof with what sounded like millions of ball-bearings - the windscreen wipers simply couldn’t keep up.

I dare say that a lot of folks out there in blog land have experience similar – if not worse – weather conditions, but for a guy use to a cold and drizzly Manchester climate, it was certainly a scary time.

Still, the weather today in Manchester was just as freaky – although not as scary. First there was the high wind that caused the office to make any number of strange whistling and groaning noises. Even the ceiling tiles flapped about a bit – making me wonder whether the roof was about to come off. And then there was the rain. Now, I normally expect gravity to have some affect on the way that rain falls to earth, but not today, as it was raining horizontally!

It may be global warming or just a simple change in the weather patterns, but blimey, the power of nature doesn’t half make you stand up and take notice.

Incoherent Ramblings

I’ve been thinking about my blind date last night and how it ended with the "I’ll think about it" line – which in my mind still means "No, I don’t want to see you again". Never the less, I must try and stay positive without becoming delusional. Perhaps she does want to think about it – or talk it over with her friends and/or family. However, it’s hardly a good sign now is it?

However, thinking it over, even though I went into it with a completely open mind with no preconceptions or expectations, once the evening had ended and we went our separate ways it got me quite down. I still feel a bit deflated now.

It’s bizarre really because I’ve become quite accustomed to the outcome of my meetings – be it on-line or in the flesh – and I usually dust myself down and simply carry on the best I can. Perhaps it’s because it was simply a blind date that became over hyped by our mutual friend who essentially set up the meeting – or who conceivably over hyped me to my date.

Other than my dignity and self respect - but who needs those - I guess I’ve got nothing to lose by ringing her again, although that "I’ll think about it" is still making deafening ringing noises in my ears...

Blind Date #2 : Update

Wow! What a stunner. Quite why she is currently single is beyond me.

She was witty, extremely interesting and had plenty to say (I made sure there was lots to talk about – even planning ahead in what to say next). We had so many things in common and our social situation – with friends either settled down or moved away – was spookily similar.

But, alas, that’s where the similarities ended. Whilst she’s a bit of a stunner, let’s just say that I wouldn’t win any prizes in that category. Sure, I’m (hopefully) not Shrek material, but neither am I Brad Pitt.

I think my evening with this young lady can be quite easily summed up when I asked whether she'd liked to meet up again. She replied "I'll think about it". Hmmm, I guess that'll be a big fat NO then!!

Blind Date #2

In just under an hours* time I shall be meeting my mystery friend for said mystery date. I shall approach it all in good faith and with no reservations. After all, if you don’t ask questions in this life, you’ll never get any answers – and it’s those answers that I seek tonight.

Never the less, I can see it all now – with a look of confusion on our both of our faces as we nervously scan the bar looking for a person who may just look like their phone voice.

For me, it’s that slim beauty stood at the bar playing ever so suggestively with her long flowing locks of blonde hair (OK, a bit shallow I know, but hey!). And for her, it will have to be that ultimate tanned surfer dude with muscles the size of Brussels and pecks the size of, er, big pecks.

However, I expect one or more of us is going to be a little disappointed...

* Well it was when I tried to post this before the Blog server crashed.

A Funny, But Totally True, Story

Here’s a totally true tale told to me by my mother that happened to one of her friends over the festive period. In order to preserve the anonymity of this particular person we’ll simply call her Mary.

After a particularly hectic Christmas shopping trip around her local Tesco supermarket, Mary decided that a nice hot cup of tea was in order. So off she went to the in store café where she bought a pot and tea and a chocolate Kit-Kat to keep the blood sugar up. Walking amongst the busy tables she eventually found a free table and sat down to enjoy her well deserved break.

Mary hadn’t been sat down long before a man approached her table and asked whether he could sit until he could find a free table. Mary reluctantly agreed and the man sat down with his coffee and chocolate muffin. They struck up a bit of a conversation about how busy it was and, naturally for us British folk, the topic of conversation soon turned to the weather.

But what happened next totally shocked Mary to the point of being left speechless. The mystery man sat across from her picked up the Kit-Kat, broke off a finger and ate it. Still in a state shock, the man once again picked up the chocolate and polished off the last piece. Not sure what to say, but never the less fuming inside, Mary just sat there totally bemused at what she’d just seen.

A short time later, the man noticed a free table in the smoking area and said he was going to go and move to allow him to smoke. Mary, still in a state of shock at the loss of her Kit-Kat, could only nod as the man thanked her and then shuffled off to his new table.

Mary finished her drink and got up to leave. However, in order to exit the café area she would have to pass the Kit-Kat thief. Approaching his table Mary became even angrier and something inside her finally snapped. Passing his table, she picked up his chocolate muffin, took a large bite out of it, smiled and placed the muffin back on the plate. The face on the man was a picture and Mary giggled all the way to her car until, placing her hand in her coat pocket to retrieve her keys, she pulled out her unopened and uneaten Kit-Kat.

Mary is still far too ashamed and embarrassed to return to that particular branch of Tesco.

The Phone Call

Well I did it. I finally plucked up the courage to ring the mystery person as prompted by the mutal friend of my mother and we arranged to meet.

Never the less, even though I’ve heard very little from my Match.com pal, with only a fleeting MSN conversion that lasted a mere two minutes the other day, I did feel some kind of guilt for “cheating” on both people. Still, it’s not as if I appear to be going anywhere fast (if at all) with my Match.com friend so I guess I shouldn’t be too concerned.

Anyway, she sounds very nice and we had a brief chat (I didn’t want to talk for too long so we’d have plenty to talk about when we met) and we arranged to meet up next week after work. We swapped mobile numbers and will contact each other early next week – which is a good job really because I forgot to ask what time she wanted to meet up!

I’m actually really looking forward to meeting her (I hope she feels the same way!) as neither of us will have any idea what the other looks like. At least that way there can be no preconceptions on looks and we are simply relying on the personality revealed on the phone, plus there’s whatever has been said by our “friend”.

So there you go, a blind date that even Cilla Black would be proud of. I just hope it goes better than my only ever other blind date where the girl in question had more facial hair than Richard Branson.

A Review of 2006

I guess it’s a bit late in the day (or should that be year?) for a review of blog land in 2006, but as I thought to myself today whilst I chewed on my lunch “bugger it, I’ll do it anyway”.

So, being a bit of blog lurker who hides behind a digital wheelie-bin, occasionally having a bit of a rummage through the leftover contents and then leaving a “witty” comment, I thought I’d report on a few of the blogs I continue to trawl through on a fairly regular basis. And on the whole, it’s all been rather good news from my fellow bloggers!

First off, there’s a number of ladies out there who, after receiving a Hugh Grant style bumbling and confusing speech about clouds and sugar pots from their respective boyfriends, squealed with delight after being presented with a little box containing a ring. So congratulations are in order to Surly girl (surely a name change is now in order) and the Suffolk dwelling Frangelita.

Next up, there’s a number of ladies out there who are walking around on cloud nine, wearing a silly smile and continuing to call their new boyfriends by silly names, including the likes of “fluffy-bunny-bumpkins” and “sweetie-pie”*. Still, it’s not always been plain sailing, so goofy names and silly smiles are in order for the American Chaucer's Bitch (albeit in the UK) and Alwaysd.

Then there’s a bundle of joy due to be had over at Miss Meep's whilst Abby Lee had an interesting year to say the least. With her blog turned into a successful book (I made a purchase myself) our wonderful tabloid press tracked her down and revealed her identity to the world. Needless to say, it made a bit of a dramatic impact to her life – although I’m sure some good will come of it. After all, she’s now Britain’s answer to Candace Bushnell.

And as for Spin; where would blog land be without Spinsterella’s unique outlook on life!!

* Ok, these words may or may not have actually been uttered.

Out with the Old, in with the New

Happy New Year to one and all.

So, 2006 is now a distant memory – and perhaps for some midnight revellers living near me – more distant than most. And like plenty of people in blog land, twenty-o-six (why do people insist on calling it that?!) was an interesting one for me, and one of great change too.

As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, there was my highly unexpected new job (I passed my three month review with such flying colours that the final six month review has now been dropped) but it’s my continual lack of success on the Match.com front that continues to bother me. Sure, it has been a bit of a disappointment, but on the whole it’s still been a worthy exercise – if only to help increase my confidence and self esteem ten-fold.

With the silence from my current Match.com “friend” deafening I’ve decided that there’s no time like the present to dust myself off and move on with things. So in a rather embarrassing twist of fate, a friend of my mother recently enquired whether I was still single. And when she replied with “is the Pope a Catholic?” her friend proceeds to ask whether I’d be interested in meeting her equally single niece.

Naturally, and judging from my lack of Match.com successes, folk my age who are still single must be weird and/or ugly and must be avoided at all costs. However, from what I’ve been told she sounds rather interesting and, given it’s a brand new year, I’ve got nothing to lose in giving it a go. As a result, I’m currently looking at a piece of paper with her phone number on. All I now need do is ring it.

However, given that there’s no profile to look at or any previous friendly banter between us, just how the heck should I approach the phone call? I’m sure starting with “Hello, are you that single girl that your aunt is desperate to pair off” isn’t going to be a very good place to start...