So It’s All Our Fault Now Is It?

These endless studies into male and female habits are starting to get a little tiresome. Now some busy-bodies are saying that if a woman driver cuts you up or hits the accelerator for a speedy escape from the traffic lights, it’s all down to their partners driving style. And there’s me thinking that a BMW was a moron’s car no matter which gender drove it.

Yeap, some Israeli scientist has decided that if I woman is in a relationship with the stereotypical male driver who is reckless and angry, it soon rubs off on to his female companion who adopts a similar driving style along with the associated accident risks.

Unfortunately, their studies failed to reveal why women think their rear view mirror is only for checking their make-up or why they are incapable of parking their car unless the parking bay is the size of a small island. And as for answering the question of as to why women can't read maps, the scientist simply shrugged his shoulders and suggested that he’d have more luck in inventing a cold fusion reactor.

Why Men Are Better Friends...

Naturally, me being such a good egg and all, I would never get into a situation such as this...

Friendship between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

Finally, here’s my weeks profile details:

Profile views: 22
Messages sent: 0
Messages received: 0

Oops. That profile view count is slipping. I really must get sending some more messages.

Voice Over Man Required

In yet more revealing scientific discoveries (just where do these people get their funding from – and more importantly - why?!) when women are in the mood for passion, they prefer a man with a deep voice (I guess that explains Barry White then) because they have higher testosterone levels.

However, it appears that this is only the case during their most fertile part of the month (there’s Barry White again and his inducement to a mini population explosion). But to throw a spanner in the works, the highly attractive ladies prefer a deep voice during that time of the month where they don roller-skates, play football and wear white trousers with confidence.

So, in other words, it would be safer for all us single blokes to constantly talk in very deep tones and just hope we don’t get arrested by looking (and sounding) a bit odd.

"Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue, I’ve Got Some Messages For You…"

After having a bit of a busy week, and not from wading through a post-box full of Valentines cards and presents either, I haven’t really had much chance to do any profile searches or message sending on Match.com.

So after a sly check at work, it was quite a surprise to find that my inbox was positively bursting with messages (well OK, three messages). So dashing home to get on-line it ultimately turned into a bit of disappointment as all of the messages originated abroad (China, South Africa and Israel). Now, it’s not that this is too much of a problem, but it instantly raises your suspicions on the real reasons behind the message.

Ok, Ok, so I’m being cynical here (and perhaps a typical man?), but when the profile picture of the lady in question is of model quality and in a pose that wouldn’t have been out of place in a fashion magazine, you really have to wonder about them. It also doesn’t help that these apparently highly educated people have such little grasp of English and, without even a hint of knowing anything about me, are quite prepared to marry me and be the mother of my children (subject to some money being wired to some far-flung location).

Still, some good news on the job interview front. I passed the telephone interview and have been called in for a face to face interview on Friday. So, fingers crossed, this interview will go much better than the last one I went to as that was a complete and utter disaster.

Finally, here’s my weeks profile details:

Profile views: 59
Messages sent: 1
Messages received: 3*

* However, it should really be zero as the senders were hardly what I call genuine

Not All Of My E-mails Are SPAM

I actually had some good news via e-mail last week. It wasn’t hundreds of messages from ladies desperate to meet me, an amazing herbal remedy to fix my size worries (I didn’t know I had one – I may have now though) nor a hot tip for some none existent company with a share price about to sky rocket.

Nope, I’ve actually had an invite for a job interview that actually sounds interesting. However, it’s a "foot in the door" interview to be done by phone and only if they’re interested will it progress to a proper interview. I guess this approach is to weed out the people with personalities like wet fish or a telephone manner more suited to the speaking clock.

Working in IT, and computer software in particular, there is this stereotypical view that we’re all geeks, spotty, boring and like nothing more that watching Star Trek. Unfortunately, there are indeed people like this (and I have worked with one or two of them) but on the whole we’re all fun and interesting guys (some are even married!). Perhaps this is one of the sticking points in my profile and "Software Engineer" brings up images of The IT Crowd. Is there any way to "sex" this up without having to invade another country?

Finally, I’ve decided to add a weekly report of my (lack of) progress on Match.com. So far the new pictures have stirred some sort of interest, but other than that there’s not much else to report. Ho-hum.

Profile views: 69
Messages sent: 5
Messages received: 0

You Have to Laugh...

I was going to save this joke as a post for Valentines day, but since I’m going to be sooooo busy sorting through the sacks of cards, presents and e-mails I thought I’d better post it before I forgot.

It’s a joke told to me by my mother, which is quite unusual for her, as it was rather funny:

A man notices an offer in the paper for cheap Valentines day messages so never one for turning down a bargain decides to ring his order in.

Man: Hello, I’d like to place an advert in the Valentines section.
Paper: Right, it’s 10 pence a word.
Man: Ok. How about "Fiona, I like you very much"
Paper: Oh, that’s a bit short and plain isn’t it?
Man: You’re right. "Fiona, I like you very much. Shed for sale"

Well, it made me laugh anyway.

Cryptologists Need Not Apply

It’s always a good idea to take the occasional break from the Internet dating lark, especially when your inbox is about as full as the Jehovah Witnesses Christmas card list, so I’ve decided to continue reading my copy of The Da Vinci Code instead (Oooh, exciting eh?).

However, as with so many things with Internet dating, my imagination of events and of people has been well and truly shattered. For those of you in the know, there’s a big screen adaptation of the film coming out in the summer, and it stars Tom Hanks as the stupidly clever Harvard professor Robert Langdon whilst the rather hot looking Audrey Tautou plays Sophie Neveu.

Now it’s important that you allow your imagination to decide on what the various characters look like, so when I saw the theatrical trailer for said film I was completely gutted to see Tom Hanks with a rather floppy looking long hairstyle not dissimilar to Hugh Grant. Thanks to this, my illusions have been shattered and I can no longer read the book without picturing that blundering idiot. And just when it was starting to get interesting too.

Now, you may wonder why I’m rambling on like this when it has nothing to do with my dating attempts. Well, in a way it does, as what you imagine a person to be like can be pretty much guaranteed to be totally different to what they actually are. It’s only once you speak to or meet them for the first time that you can really learn something about them, not that I’ve had much joy in that area recently either. So come on ladies, stop simply looking at my profile (53 hits now in two days) and drop me a line to say "hello". You never know, you might like what you find.

BTW, if you’d like to watch the trailer for (the actually rather interesting looking) The Da Vinci Code then have a butchers here.

Plenty of Window Shoppers But No Customers

It seems that deciding to change my profile picture from something resembling an extra from Dawn of the Dead to something a tad more "dashing" was a good move as my freshly reset view counter is now increasing faster than the national debt.

However, all these newly interested ladies are mere window shoppers, and secret ones at that. You see, all these clever ladies are all hiding their profiles so I can’t see who they are. However, worst of all, none of them have decided to stop and say "Hello" either.

My new profile picture has obviously attracted their attention but it must now be the profile details that’s making them run for the hills. I’ve read the various parts of my profile over and over again and made the occasional tweak, but I guess I need to sit down again and make some major changes. But to what? It’s a pity really as I thought I’d pretty much got it all sorted. Apparently I haven’t.

Finally for today, as a bit of a footnote, there is actually someone chatting to me. Unfortunately, it’s only about once a week and given the length of time between messages I can’t really make my mind up what’s going on, or quite what to do next. Sure, I realise that she’s most likely chatting to other chaps too, but I just wonder whether she’s simply being polite by replying. Mind you, even if that’s the case, it’s nice that she’s prepared to do just that.

Feeling a Bit Blue

Over the weekend I bumped into something (or rather my nose did) that I’d totally forgotten about in having a girlfriend. And frankly, it’s got me feeling a little down.

Nope, it wasn’t the masses of overpriced vomit inducing mushy valentine cards or gifts, but the delightful scent that follows a freshly showered and suitably pampered lady. I’m not talking about some of these over powering perfumes that make your eyes water, but that massive range of lotions and shampoos that have exotic ingredients more akin to a sandwich spread or tin of fruit salad.

And it had this very strange effect on me. As I wandered towards to the exit at the gym my nostrils caught this wonderful tropical aroma that had me transfixed like one of the "bisto" kids. And for some odd reason, when this attack on my senses ceased I felt really down. I don’t know whether it was simply the result of this chemical attack, or that I was still coming down from one heck of a good workout, but it really left me with the sense of something missing.

Never the less, as a "half glass full" kind of person, I’m turning this on its head and making it motivate me further in my search (especially since my new profile picture has tripled the amount of viewers to my profile). Either that, or I'll take up sniffing shampoo bottles.

Radio One provides unexpected boost

In some shocking news today I learnt that a number of dating services in London have closed down due to a lack of men! So what’s going on here then? Is there really a man shortage, or has every unattached bloke in London decided to turn gay? Is London now awash with feral women hunting in packs searching for the slightest sign of a decent single bloke? If this is the case then why wasn’t I informed?

I also heard a woman complaining on Radio One this morning (yes I know, I’m 35, but I still listen to Radio One – I’ve not re-tuned to Radio Two land just yet) that because she is tall and attractive she didn’t have a boyfriend. Why? Because us blokes are too afraid to ask her out in case we were humiliated by the rejection.

Now there is a whole lot of truth in this as there’s nothing more demoralising than being turned down by a lady whilst her cackling mates jeer as you slink off into the sunset. Also, another thing is that we instantly assume that the real beauties will already be attached and thus steer well clear. I’ve already found myself doing this whilst searching the profiles on Match.com and thinking "Well there’s no point in contacting her as she’ll be totally inundated with messages". So, after hearing this (well, I did already know about this phenomenon but still stuck to the avoidance rules anyway) I’ve decided so say "No more!".

Yup, so from now on, rather than skipping past those ladies deemed to be "too attractive" they’d better watch out. If your profile and personality is a winner, and especially now that my profile picture doesn’t look like an extra from The Dawn of the Dead, you may well just be getting a message from little old me.

I’ll Laugh at Your Jokes….

In yet another scientific study conducted one lunchtime in a pub somewhere, a group of white coated scientists have decided that whilst men like women with a good sense of humour, they actually don’t, and we would much prefer them to laugh at our jokes instead. In fact, they go as far as saying that we feel threatened by a woman with a sense of humour and we’ll go away and sulk.

So, here’s something else wrong with me as, not only would I class myself as “one of the good guys”, I would have to say that is total rubbish and I wouldn’t feel threatened at all. Far from it, as I’d much prefer to meet a woman with a sense of humour who could make me laugh like a drain.

What could be more fun than two people falling about laughing and, considering I’m totally useless at remembering jokes (I’m more of the observation brand of humour), what better way than to have a joke encyclopaedia on hand?

So ladies, I’m not threatened by your jokes, I’m more than happy to hold the door open for you and quite prepared to phone you when I promised. I’ll even cook you a meal without any ulterior motives (although you could perhaps consider doing the washing up). So, my message inbox must be bursting to overflowing with ladies desperate to meet me. I’d better go and check this instant ............ Oh.