Christmas memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd. starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a small cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols. ..feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus. A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00pm. Exchange of gilts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over £5 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty.

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director.
TO: All Employees
RE: Holiday Party.

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party". The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty.

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director.
TO: All Employees
RE: Holiday Party.

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads "A.A. Only" you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that £5 is too much money and executives believe £5 is a little mean.

NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.

Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy bags. Will that work? Meanwhile I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men; each will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruit as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?!

Patty.

FROM: Patty Lewis
TO: All Fucking Employees
RE: The Fucking Holiday Party

Vegetarian pricks. I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it nor not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death" as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know tomatoes have feelings too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream, I'm hearing them scream right NOW!! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!! Drive drunk and die.

The Bitch from HELL!!

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays

Six Months In

Please accept my apologies for the lack of entries. I know quite a few people have got bored with this blogging malarkey – perhaps moving onto the world of Facebook – but I’ve simply been too busy with my relationship to find the time to post.

I always complained (well, to myself) that whenever my friends found themselves in a relationship I was left to my own devices and out in the cold. Now I can see just why that happened as both "P" and I have noticed that we’re not doing the things we did prior to meeting each other. Mind you, I’m not complaining because I’m enjoying every minute of it and we’ve both commented on just how fast the last six months have gone past.

Up until now I’d never been in a proper relationship during Christmas and with it rapidly approaching I can’t wait to dish out my carefully selected presents. There’s no stupid "gifts" for the kitchen or naughty underwear (although I’d relish the idea) but items which are for "P" and her alone. After carefully watching and listening to what she likes (fingers crossed) I hope she’ll be delighted. However, the only downside to this Christmas is that I won’t really be seeing her – "P" will be at her parents whilst I’ll be at my own.

Being Christmas and all, the next stage of our relationship is navigating the tricky office Christmas party. Apparently, there has been much interest in just who this mystery man "P" is bringing to the party. Naturally, I’ll be on my best behaviour but I’m sure I’ll be as nervous as hell (especially since, out of ten or twenty people, I’ll only know one person in the room). I’m sure she’ll feel nervous too but, equally, I’m sure she’ll be just as nervous when it comes to my office party too!