Sorry for the lack of blog activity of late but something quite remarkable has happened in my life.
Have I won a new car? No, it’s better than that. Have I won the lottery? No, it’s better than that. I have, thanks to Match.com, finally got a girlfriend!
I’m still in a bit of a daze at the moment as, unlike my previous Match.com friends, the lady in question phones me, sends me text messages and actually gets quite excited when we’re due to meet. She is beautiful, intelligent and a jolly happy person to be around, and whenever I think of her, I can’t help but smile. It’s quite safe to say that I think we’re a perfect match!
Naturally, I still get worried about things, but then again I’m a bit of a worrier who worries when there’s nothing to worry about. Even after spending the night together, I’m still worried that it’s about to fall apart around my ears. Mind you, after all of the bad luck I’ve had in my life, I guess it’s going to take a while before I calm down, stop worrying and enjoy it all.
Anyway, must dash, I’m due to pick my girlfriend up and take her out for a meal (now, I never thought I’d be saying that on here!)
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Shower
I've really gone up market and highbrow this month and rather than the usual magazine tat I buy (and before you jump to any conclusions, no, they do not contain naked ladies in various poses) for a change I opted for a copy of GQ Magazine. That and the fact I had a voucher to get the latest copy for a mere £1 as apposed to the standard shelf price of £3.70
So far, it's been an interesting read. Once I'd managed to flip through the twenty or so pages of adverts, including the freeing - on to the floor - of hundreds of inserts for bank loans, aftershave and free samples of shampoo, I actually arrived at some proper content. It was the joke page.
So, in honour of said magazine, I feel I must share with you a rather funny observational joke that appeared – rather unsurprisingly – on their hallowed jokes page:
How to Shower Like a Woman
1. Take off clothes & place them sectioned in a laundry basket according to colour
2. Walk into the bathroom wearing dressing gown
3. If you see boyfriend along the way, cover up any exposed areas
4. Look at your physique in the mirror, make mental note to do more leg-lifts etc.
5. Get in the shower
6. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah & pumice stone
7. Wash your hair once with cucumber & sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins
8. Condition you hair with grapefruit & mint-enhanced conditioner
9. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red
10. Wash rest of body with ginger nut & Jaffa Cake body wash
11. Shave armpits & legs
12. Turn off shower
13. Sponge off all wet surfaces in shower
14. Spray mould spots with tile cleaner
15. Dry with towel the size of a small country
16. Wrap hair in super-absorbent towel
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown & towel on head
18. If you see boyfriend along the way, cover up any exposed areas
19. Spend 40 minutes drying hair with a hand-held jet engine
How to Shower Like a Man
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed & leave them in a pile
2. Walk naked into the bathroom
3. If you see girlfriend along the way, shake manhood & make a “woo-woo” sound
4. Admire physique in the mirror and the size of manhood. Scratch backside
5. Get in shower
6. Wash face
7. Wash armpits
8. Blow nose in hands & let the water rinse them off
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area
10. Wash hair with stuff from the bottle nearest to hand
11. Make a shampoo Mohawk
12. Pee like a racehorse
13. Rinse off and get out of shower
14. Fail to notice water on the floor because the curtain was hanging out of the bath
15. Admire size of manhood in mirror again
16. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light & fan on
17. Return to bedroom with towel around waist
18. If you pass girlfriend, pull off towel, shake manhood & make a “woo-woo” sound
19. Throw wet towel on bed
20. Run fingers through hair twice to dry it
So far, it's been an interesting read. Once I'd managed to flip through the twenty or so pages of adverts, including the freeing - on to the floor - of hundreds of inserts for bank loans, aftershave and free samples of shampoo, I actually arrived at some proper content. It was the joke page.So, in honour of said magazine, I feel I must share with you a rather funny observational joke that appeared – rather unsurprisingly – on their hallowed jokes page:
How to Shower Like a Woman
1. Take off clothes & place them sectioned in a laundry basket according to colour
2. Walk into the bathroom wearing dressing gown
3. If you see boyfriend along the way, cover up any exposed areas
4. Look at your physique in the mirror, make mental note to do more leg-lifts etc.
5. Get in the shower
6. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah & pumice stone
7. Wash your hair once with cucumber & sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins
8. Condition you hair with grapefruit & mint-enhanced conditioner
9. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red
10. Wash rest of body with ginger nut & Jaffa Cake body wash
11. Shave armpits & legs
12. Turn off shower
13. Sponge off all wet surfaces in shower
14. Spray mould spots with tile cleaner
15. Dry with towel the size of a small country
16. Wrap hair in super-absorbent towel
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown & towel on head
18. If you see boyfriend along the way, cover up any exposed areas
19. Spend 40 minutes drying hair with a hand-held jet engine
How to Shower Like a Man
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed & leave them in a pile
2. Walk naked into the bathroom
3. If you see girlfriend along the way, shake manhood & make a “woo-woo” sound
4. Admire physique in the mirror and the size of manhood. Scratch backside
5. Get in shower
6. Wash face
7. Wash armpits
8. Blow nose in hands & let the water rinse them off
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area
10. Wash hair with stuff from the bottle nearest to hand
11. Make a shampoo Mohawk
12. Pee like a racehorse
13. Rinse off and get out of shower
14. Fail to notice water on the floor because the curtain was hanging out of the bath
15. Admire size of manhood in mirror again
16. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light & fan on
17. Return to bedroom with towel around waist
18. If you pass girlfriend, pull off towel, shake manhood & make a “woo-woo” sound
19. Throw wet towel on bed
20. Run fingers through hair twice to dry it
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