Are You a Breast or Leg man?

Whilst I was at the gym today I got thinking about a question a female friend asked me a while back – "Why are men so obsessed with our breasts?"

Why I suddenly though about this is a different matter, but when you’re swimming a mile, other than remembering how many lengths you’ve done, there’s not really much else to think about (although there is the occasional distraction – as I mentioned in my previous blog). Anyway, at the time I couldn’t think of any answer and the response of “we just are” didn’t really help answer her question. So, with plenty of time to think about it I set to work.

And what is my scientific response? Well, I think our obsession is not an obsession at all. It’s all down to our ancient hunter/gatherer makeup and, like a peacock showing off its plumage or monkey showing off its bright red arse in the hope of attracting a mate, we automatically look for a mate that will have the healthy ability to feed our offspring.

But oddly enough, that’s not what concerned me the most as it got me thinking about just what features a woman looks for in a man. Since pretty much every profile on Match.com states that they’re looking for a man with a good sense of humour, it got me wondering whether the genetic makeup of women has been the only one to evolve from the Stone Age. I mean, what use is a sense of humour when a Sabre Toothed Tiger is attacking you? Do you tell it a joke in the hope it will stop mauling you and start laughing instead? It’s all very confusing.

BTW, I had a reply to one of my messages. It was only the typical automated one of “Thanks for writing to me, but unfortunately, we're just not a good match. Good luck in your search!”. Oh well, at least they bothered to reply.

Did you mean Jim or Gym?

There’s this vicious rumour going around that the best place to meet people is in the gym. Whilst this seems like a good idea in principle, after all you get to see suitable people in fewer closes than usual(!), why are all the ladies always with their boyfriends? I guess, yet again, this must be something only be applicable to the single ladies.

With everyone going I-Pod crazy these days, just about every woman comes to my gym equipped with some form of MP3 player (even more so after Christmas) and is happy enough to pound away on the treadmill or rowing machine in their own little world. And with this wall of music blasting away in their ears, striking up a conversation is pretty much impossible (unless you're a good mime artist).

Never the less, I have a master plan – I’ll simply wait until I go poolside or into the sauna and strike up some small talk with anyone who looks interesting (see, I’m not just relying on the Internet dating). Unfortunately, this never seems to go to plan as just as I’m about to open my mouth to say something their boyfriend appears, kisses them on the forehead and then proceeds to talk about what they're going to have for their lunch/evening meal. Now, this observation may seem to aimed at one particular person, but, oh no, it can be aimed at just about every (newly identified) couple in the gym.

Oh well, if you can't beat them, join them. Now where did I go and put my I-Pod?......

I am on America’s most wanted?

For some odd reason the ladies who look at my profile and "wink" me the most are from America. I’ve no idea why they should choose to look at me (have I appeared on America’s most wanted – or desperate?), but I have to say that the stereotypical view that Americans are fat can be safely thrown to one side.

Not only are the majority of these ladies attractive, they certainly take the bull by the horns and, unlike our shy and retiring types, at least they initiate some form of contact. It’s just a pity they all live on the other side of the pond as a quick search of New York found an unbelievable collection of extremely attractive and interesting ladies. It’s no wonder people want to emigrate there!

Finally, it was a good job I didn’t get my expectations up too high the other day as the person who replied to my message has failed to get in contact again. See, it’s what us blokes are all up against and it simply looks like a more suitable match came along. Oh well, back to the drawing board.

Is there a tiny glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel?

Well, knock me down with a feather, I’ve actually had a reply from someone on Match.com.

But rather than taking the negative view of being at the top end of her target age and the reasonable distances involved, I’m really trying to be positive about this one – although I’m still a realist so I’m not going to get my hopes up too high. Never the less, if you’re to keep your spirits up you need to find a positive in every outcome.

Although her primary picture is not the most flattering (but it’s still nice), the secondary picture is truly delightful and her relaxed and warm pose was the reason why I decided to drop a line to say "hello". I know you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, and I try not to do just that, but with the amount of information you have to plough though you really do need that initial "wow" factor. And let’s face the truth here, it’s exactly what the ladies are doing to us, especially since they can afford to be so picky with the near endless number of blokes on Match.

Still, I suspect that she’s being inundated with the usual crop of messages from other hopeful suitors as it took over a week to reply (in fact, I’d already given up on her and restarted my search). Mind you, I suspect that all her messages are going through the ever trusty "friend filter" and that my second reply will probably progress at the same speed as the first. I just hope I don’t end up on her ignore list...

Has Normal Service Been Resumed?

It’s really hard work searching through the profiles on Match.com as there’s so much more to do and you can spend hours searching before you find someone suitable. The only problem is, you spend an age doing all the legwork, composing a message, sending it and then being completely ignored by the lady in question. Still, it’s something I’ve been accustomed to during my journey and I’ve become fairly thick skinned about. Never the less, it’s only polite to reply, even if it’s just to tell me to clear off.

I also knew that the ratio of men to women on these sites was pretty high, but after a bit more research I learnt that on some popular sites it can be as high as 20 to 1. That’s a lot of people chasing so few fishes. It’s also quite easy to prove by simply switching genders in the search window and then seeing how many pages are returned. It can be quite a worry indeed, but then again, and as I’ve mentioned before, I must have to count my three previous as successes (albeit an ultimate failure). So in a way, I can understand that the ladies maybe wallowing under the shear weight of e-mails and can’t find the time to reply.

Never the less, my time on Match.com has not been a complete failure. Oh no, far from it, as I’ve had numerous messages from some absolutely stunning ladies in bikini’s photographed in amazing and exotic locations. They all have their own successful businesses, speak every language going (but rather oddly have an extremely poor grasp of the English language) and they all want to date me. Now I’m possibly being completely stupid and missing the chance of something amazing, or they’re all con artists fishing for desperate men to send them lots of money.

Hmmmm. I just hope I’m not being too cynical.

Did Beauty Kill the Beast?

Braving a DVT and a seriously numbed bum, I ventured to the cinema today to watch the overly long King Kong. Managing to escape with only a mildly numbed bum, and an extremely strained bladder, I came to realise that I’m somewhat similar to the beast.

By that, I don’t mean that I go around eating people presented to me in ritual sacrifices, fighting dinosaurs or having the tendency to climb tall buildings to swat planes, although the occasional bum scratching is a fairly likely (after all, I am a man!). No, in a bizarre way I could relate in a similar vein to the mighty, but ultimately lonely, Kong. Quite possibly the last of my species, and by that I mean being a jolly good all round a nice guy (and not a particularly hairy one at that), I just wonder whether I’m that beast.

As I’ve mentioned in a post before, are the ladies really still looking for this fabled "new man" who’s prepared to wash the dishes, doesn’t mind making the tea and not disappearing down the pub for hours on end? Do they really want a knight in shining armour to come along on horseback (or, failing that, a suitable SUV off-roader) and sweep them off their feet? Or do they simply yearn for that tattooed bloke stood at the bar who will buy them one drink, expect sex and never call them again? I suspect I’m due to discover this in 2006.

Although I started chatting to an interesting and attractive girl before Christmas, she is still "taking a break" (not in the Friends sense though) whilst she sorts her life out after returning to the UK after working in Europe for a year. However, she’s still stubbornly quiet on the message front and I’m not sure whether I’m simply being impatient or wasting my time.

I live in some hope that she’ll contact me again. Never the less, one half of me says that she’s found someone and I should move on, whilst the other is telling me to be patient as she’s obviously very busy (after all, she’s just moved her life from one country to another). I guess this is one advantage a giant gorilla doesn’t have to worry about as, in-between fighting off dinosaurs, the only real problem you have to deal with is deciding on which bit of vegetation would complement the latest sacrificial offering. However, I often wonder whether I’m not the beast but rather that sacrificial offering.